I'm in a quandary.
You see, initially I intended for this blog to be a way of promoting the radio show I host on Cook'd and Bomb'd Radio.
Although I continued to prepare, record and host shows, I disregarded the opportunity to detail the process. A conflicting combination of factors - for the most part, being busy, and secondarily, laziness.
People have asked me on a number of occasions: 'what do you do?', and sometimes 'what do you want to do?'...
Usually I tell them I am (or intend to be) a writer, or a scriptwriter, or in broader terms, 'something creative'. In all honesty, I haven't written that much of anything as of late. My excuse? Writer's block. It appears to have lasted almost a year now, ever since circumstances beyond my control caused the script to become less of a passion and more of a principle. The pleasure drained from the project soon enough, and my enthusiasm waned to the point of a vaguely subtle sense of depression - so subtle, in fact, that it culminated in a seething and frustration so concentrated, I began to have private panic attacks and public nosebleeds on a consistent basis. I still do.
During this time, there's been the issue of employment - more specifically, finance. I was working freelance, undertaking database work offered in fragments over a course of a year and a half, until the interest in what I was capable of dried up just in time for Christmas with no notice. It wasn't an ideal situation, but up until that point, it was something.
All I have now is a weekly pub quiz host gig, where I remain undermined and treated foolishly. Amongst the many issues I have with hosting the quiz (but hey, it's my only source of income, but that doesn't stop me from being human and needing to vent), is when people try to grab the microphone from me, they shout so loudly and yet never have anything to say. I speculate what is worse - saying nothing of any value to people who will listen, or trying to say something to no one who can hear you?
Therein lies the quandary, incidentally. This was merely intended to be a place where I let the radio work speak for itself - but I need to express myself in a different way at this moment in time. If this is proving tiresome to you already, you can always scroll down to the bottom of the post and listen to the entire first series of The Grim Word.
...Or you can stay here with me, and realise that I really have no idea what I'm doing, but then again who can say otherwise and mean it?
I fell into an argument with someone recently about aspirations. From an early age, I have convinced myself that I want to be a writer, or an actor, or a director, and at one time, a forensic scientist. Aside from the latter, I have dipped my toes faintly into those aspirations - very faintly. I am 28 years old. I envy those who have no idea what they want to do - their canvas broadly widened the further they stray from the stubborn nature of a person confined to their own personal goals.
The debate essentially regarded how those who have no particular intentions in their life settle on convenience, and if it supports them, they will convince themselves it is what they 'want' to do - because it 'works' for them. A convenient circumstance is sometimes arguably the only choice one can have, but I do not believe it should be anything but temporary. Why settle for just anything if you know what you really want? Why limit your possibilities to convenience? Like with any argument of this nature, it does of course depend on each individual case - and so, in that respect, I do not believe I should have to undertake a job I do not want to do for the rest of my life. Now before you take your high horse and shout that some people don't have a choice or a say in the matter, allow me to elaborate: if a problem is resolvable within your limitations, then it is about the action you take. If, however, the problem is beyond your control, then it is about your reaction. If there is nothing you can do to change the circumstances around you, then you either accept the circumstances, or you let it kill you - an internal struggle. If there is a possibility of changing the situation you are in, and it will resolve what you may perceive as a problem, then there is no reason not to do something about it. You can fool yourself for as long as you want, but if you are capable of causing resolution and decide to simply 'let it be', you are either a glutton for punishment or a casualty of convenience.
I am still trying to figure out exactly what am I doing, and where I stand, and what I should be doing. As far as I'm concerned, the first step is to ask questions and be prepared for answers you may not like. It does baffle me when people claim in conversation that the other person has 'hit a nerve' upon making a particular point - it is in actuality often just something you knew already, heard out loud for the first time - if it is meant sincerely of course. Either way, in times when I have found myself affected by a similar example, I now find I ask more questions of myself. That is not to say that I weaken my beliefs or philosophies, but potentially re-assess and reshape them - always expand, never tighten. There is resolution - and soon enough, I will identify exactly what it is. Soon after that, I will take action.
In this respect, I should emphasise that I am fully aware that my job as pub quiz host is entirely out of convenience. I am unhappy with the situation, and I intend to stop doing it when I reason with myself that the resolution is action, and not reaction.
Civility is something that needs to be taken into account. A smile can open more doors than required - more so when sincere. Then there are those with a pugnacious manner, pushing their way through life with an aggression that somewhere along the way is no longer about inner-discovery, and more about marking your territory - more often than not, unnecessarily so. Soon enough, without that inner-stability, that aggression seeps into the psyche and becomes a part of their personality. I know enough people to see the difference between someone who lives through their words, and those who filter their words through their body language. The former is a casual type of action initiated by reaction, while the latter undertakes action to initiate reaction to feed their own ego. As it happens, most of us are a constant variation between the two. There are however, extremes of both, and it is often for very different reasons that these extremes tend to have their personalities overexerted in their public arenas. Those who make use of their body language mark their territory, but the reasoning behind doing so changes depending on the audience: love or hate, it's about reinforcement and self-defence, every time. It's all a way of putting ourselves on 'the map' - unfortunately, that map is rather insignificant, and constantly expanding, and unfortunately most people are doing exactly the same thing. A battle not worth pursuing. That isn't to say one shouldn't fight for themselves - but no need to mark your place in this world. If you achieve a state of contentment, doing what you believe you should be doing in an environment that you feel is safe (as it can be in what life is), then the way to get there - to find the resolution - is a simple case of action and reaction. The people you care for, the places you visit, the conversations you entertain - all foundations for contentment. However, since we are all in the same situation, it is of course about give and take.
I am very tired of trying to convince myself that the problems in my life are out of my control. In truth, I can - and I will - change my circumstances. Indeed, this is about action. I do not want to fall into the convenience of reaction. I am now prepared to combine the extremes of my personality to act on what I want and what I need in my life to exceed convenience and obtain contentment - and why shouldn't I? Why shouldn't you?
In conclusion of this particular expression of myself, let it be known that the above is probably the most I have written in some time. These views are regarding a broad philosophy about the 'end-game' - the idealisation of the resolution that we aspire to reach in the time we have. Love, death, power, greed, lust, and everything that falls into the specifics, are to be explored here in my own time - assuming I take action.
In the meantime, please enjoy the 2012 series of The Grim Word below.